Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Marital Identity...
Marital Identity...
In India it is very common that once you’re married the girl stays in a joint family. My mom when she got married to my dad, they even lived as a joint family with my aunt and my grandma. My mom has always shared the difficulties she had to go through the adjustment during her newly married life. I believe the disagreements arise when mother in laws or daughter in laws have hard time to accept each other in a bond. In my own family I have experienced, and something that each one of us can apply as a key to strengthen their relationship with their in laws are to leave their parents and cleave unto the spouse when newly married.
President Kimball says that “first married couples should confide in and counsel with their spouse. Secondly, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both the spouses together.”
And I believe it is one the best advice for a newly married couples as it helps them rely on each other more often as husband and wife rather than on their parents. Establishing their own household and living separate from parents actually builds a self confidence to protect, maintain or repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.
Furthermore, a primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a new person in their family system. Research shows that lack of marital approval, in law blaming or triangulation, intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one’s role as a parent are related to poor in law relationship and also jeopardize the marriage of the sons or daughter.
However, As we put the Lord first in our life we would not be having difficulty in obeying his will given through the scriptures. I also believe that Forgiveness, charity, love and humbleness plays a great role in defining it better when playing a healthy family role as a spouse and to our in laws. I am not a perfect example to share my marital identity but would love to implement by being kind, forgiving and loving to the relationship around me and my spouse.
Being one in Marriage...
GENESIS 2:2
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”
I don’t think I would have given heed to these verse earlier until I was given council by my Branch president during my marriage preparation. I understood much deeper meaning as I was sealed to my husband for time and eternity in the temple covenants. I testify of the gospel teaching and knowledge we had gained so far which helped my husband and I to be one in heart and mind.
The reason I share this scripture is because when we got married we had a lot of families being involved in making decision for us rather we making it. As a result, it led us to have arguments, disagreements, quarrel, disappointment and selfishness. We were thankful to be able to reflect onto the atonement of our savior and make goals and plan things well in our marriage. I believe the oneness in marriage came as we could turn to our savior for all the things he has given us his church, his gospel, his life, his teaching so we can be one.
I believe as we all can be covenant keeper as we keep his covenants. First by taking his name upon us and second, by remembering him and third, all this can happen as we partake of the sacrament every week and do keep his commandments. What I have shared is very basic but is actually the necessity of our life that leads us to be one and have eternal life.
Intimacy in Marriage...
I always thought it such an awkward topic to talk, share and read. It’s been a wonderful 3+ years of our marriage and I look forward to have more of those roller coaster ride with my hubby. In school it is common to teach students in 6/7th grade about reproduction in human life. When I was in school, I don’t remember anything that I understood regarding intimacy and when the time came to be married, I knew very little about sexual intimacy (“how to have a child” or “how do you get pregnant”). My mom thought I knew as a grown up girl about intimacy in marriage life. I wish someone was there to guide me or talk about it. May be then I would have not got pregnant so soon. Not that I am not happy to have a child in our life, I really think without him I would have not learned some great principle of life and that experience of becoming pregnant was a good choice. But just like in a few months of our marriage we gained the responsibility to become parents.
I learned through my marriage, how and what and why we need intimacy in marriage. My marriage was a great place to learn the fact that intimacy in marriage is not a secret subject, every marital partner experience it with their spouse. In fact, I learned through my marriage it is something you can talk about and read books to get educated.
I enjoyed reading this article by Brother Sean E. Brotherson and I would like to share that article with you all. I felt the best definition explained in such simple words that one could understand and I agree with Brother Brotherson’s mother that sometimes an intimate relationship is fun, comforting, spiritual, romantic and sometimes it is a willingness in love. I adore the great understanding , love, caring, comfort and joy I had received by living a healthy sexual intimacy in my marriage and I am not shy or awkward to share.
Two Kinds of Marital Conflicts....
Having conflicts in marriage is common. I really believe that two different personality are combined to bring their lifestyle together in unity. John Gottman shared two kinds of marital conflicts explained as “perpetual problem and solvable problems”
No matter how long you are married and resolved the issues but still those same arguments would be arised. Therefore, many of us keep moving in life with those unmovable problem because we don’t wanna ruin or become overwhelmed with our marriage instead deal as a joke. Some couples constantly work it out, to make things better than talking it again and again or they prevent from having a stress in their relationship.
Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement. I really liked how John Gottman shared some knowledgeable advice that you and me can follow regarding solvable problems.
- Make sure your startup is soft rather than harsh
- Learn effective use of repair attempts
- Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding
- Learn how to compromise and
- Become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the seventy gave a wonderful talk on anger and agency in may 1998. This particular talk has taught me to learn that I can control my anger, I can make the choice of controlling my anger. I would encourage you all to read this talk that has great council on how you and me can be better person by controlling our anger and we have been given our agency to do so.
What do you think, that how would some of the marital conflicts leads you to??
Learning to Yield...
It is world known that some men have problems in fulfilling or understanding their roles and responsibility as husbands. My grandfather was a carpenter, and had 8 kids including my mom who is the eldest among the seven children. My grandpa was alcoholic and used to beat my grandma because he couldn't fulfill all his children's needs. My mom started to work at a very early age for the family. This lack of responsibility or understanding the role as a husband my grandpa struggled and let the family struggle.
Often women complain that men hardly can take care of the household chores and take care of kids. John Gottman shares that "the fundamental difference between husbands who accept influence and those who don't is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win".
Although there are a lot of things for a women it takes a very small amount of time to do or gets annoyed from their husbands what they do. Example, When my husband he comes home from college/work, he would not put his phone on charge and take my phone and watch sports updates/ Facebook or watch news without changing his clothes. Once he enters the room he would some day not be bothered to ask about my day and about my son. Even If I got angry and cried about things that annoys me from him, he would not give heed.
Gottman says that "More than 80 percent of the time, it's the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn't a symptom of a troubled marriage- It's true in most happy marriage as well.
I know that I am not a perfect wife in many different ways, through marriage relationship I have yield to learn to humble myself and not to bring pride in our relationship. If my husband ignores me when I yell at him it is not that I don't love him or he doesn't love me and is not listening to me. But marriage is all about forgiving each other, having patience and learning from each other as life goes by.
Learning Experience Through Marriage....
Learning Experience through Marriage...
A marriage life considers of romantic relationship between husband and wife, trust, understanding, patience, loving, effective communications and goals of working together so called as unity. Without all this most marriages break and ends up into divorce/separation.
I was glad that I was the youngest in my family so I was able to observe all my elderly siblings marriage life, including some of my cousins marital life. I again recall that the gospel and the members had taught me a lot of things which eventually helped me gain understanding of what I can do better when I get marry.
I am so happy to have my husband as my eternal companion meaning that we were blessed to be sealed in the temple and clearly understand the roles and responsibility of husband and wife. Marriage was not a easy step of my life, changes gave me new duties, gain support, have a healthy relationship.
Yes, of course there are days were my husband and I are not agreeing to do what we wanna do individually but I learned by observing people and families around me that someone has to forgive or come down rather than be tit for tat. My first experience in marriage life was when I couldn't make breakfast early for my husband as he left for job. My husband never complained and kept going to job without lunch or breakfast. There was one week he got pretty sick with stomach upset by eating outside food and I felt very embarrassed that I let him get sick by eating food outside. He still never complained, the next day I made some breakfast and learned many recipes that I could make for breakfast.
I was glad for that learning experience through my marriage because it helped me understand that someone has to give up or come down and be nicer in marriage. My husband has been very appreciative and I love preparing food for him and help him stay healthy. Life is simply more beautiful when small kind acts are done in a more loving way.
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